


Change The World

by cadkitten



Category: DCU (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Children, Cigarettes, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Lost Love, Love Re-imagined, M/M, Nightmares, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-06
Updated: 2016-11-06
Packaged: 2018-08-29 10:12:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8485390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: Smoke curled up into the sky, the flame of Jason's cigarette brilliant against the backdrop of the darkened city. Three days with no power and - for once - it was surprisingly quiet on the streets. The first had been hellish, people who normally would have been on the right side of the law making the rounds of every place they could find to steal something from. Without alarms, without locks that failed to engaged, it had opened the doors to those that the locks and alarms kept at bay. Something Batman had once said drifted through Jason's mind in those moments. "A lock keeps one variety of criminal at bay. An alarm keeps another from even trying. The more security you have, the more people you keep out. But those who are determined will get in despite it all."Those words had changed how Jason thought about things...





	

**Author's Note:**

> For JayRoyWeek on Tumblr. Day 4: Moving Together  
> I took some liberties with this prompt. Moving as in motion, in this case the mutual acquisition of a long-burning necessity for both of them.  
> Beta Readers: kate1zena  
> Song[s]: "Goodbye Brother" by Ramin Djawadi

"We're all addicted to something that takes away the pain." - Belle Aurora Raw

 

Smoke curled up into the sky, the flame of Jason's cigarette brilliant against the backdrop of the darkened city. Three days with no power and - for once - it was surprisingly quiet on the streets. The first day had been hellish, people who normally would have been on the right side of the law made the rounds of every place they could find to steal something. Without alarms and without locks that engaged, it had opened the doors to the people that those locks and alarms kept at bay. Something Batman had once said drifted through Jason's mind in those moments. _"A lock keeps one variety of criminal at bay. An alarm keeps another from even trying. The more security you have, the more people you keep out. But those who are determined will get in despite it all."_

Those words had changed how Jason thought about things, how he saw life when he took in the small towns he'd traveled through in his years as an Outlaw where no one locked their doors and the most someone stole was a candy from the dollar store. He watched only youth or desperation drive people to steal and kill in those places. He watched as he moved closer to the big cities, saw what people being _together_ did. He saw the pain, the tears, the desperation grow from the faintest whiffs of grey to the darkened streaks of blackness he found in Gotham. And yet... while he'd lost all of his faith in the city, he'd not yet lost his belief that humanity could persevere if it so desired. 

Leaning heavily on one foot and propping himself against the lip of the rooftop, he dropped one forearm down to brace against his thigh, fingertips playing with the buckle on his thigh holster. Eyelids heavy with exhaustion, he surveyed the streets below. Every once in a while, he brought the cigarette up in the pretense of taking a drag, though he only held it in his mouth for a mere second before letting it flow free. 

The chill of the air gripped him and he eased away from the edge, turning his back on the city as he made his way across the rooftop and down the stairwell to his own floor. Pushing open the door to his apartment, he didn't miss the barest hints of amusement in the back of his mind that he left his door unlocked, that he _invited_ trouble every single night, just waiting on whatever would come. Every precious possession he owned was stored at his lair under GCPD, not a single bit of it holed up in his apartment. The things here... they held no meaning, no real value beyond the monetary, and if someone needed it so badly as to steal it, then... so be it.

Closing the door, he rested one hand against the worn wood, _waited_ as he took in the sounds of the apartment, the differences in the air. He clicked the lock into place as he unlatched his gun from his holster, slid the deadbolt into place as he slid back the safety. Two steps and he kept the gun easy at his side, stepping into his living room.

His shoulders eased as he took in Lian's form curled up on his couch, the barest hint of her breath moving her bangs as she slept soundly.

He gave the rest of the house a quick check before he slid the safety back on and re-holstered his gun, kneeling next to her long enough to ensure she seemed okay. Her lime green bag under the table told him she'd run away again, something that was becoming more of a habit than he wanted it to be. At thirteen, he honestly thought she'd have stopped the childhood fantasies she had of drawing he and Roy closer together by doing this. 

Sighing, he pushed himself up and made his way into the bedroom, closing the door and shedding parts of his armor. Settling on the bed, he unlaced his boots and picked up his cell phone from the nightstand, pulling up Roy's contact info. He settled the phone on the bed, staring at it as he finished getting his boots off, letting his thoughts drift.

When he and Roy had split ways, the Outlaws breaking apart and Roy going back to pick up the pieces of the life he'd left behind, Lian had been _angry_. Mostly at Jason, but partly at her father. The angry emails and texts had told him she didn't approve of his methodology to get Roy back to his daughter, to get him to head back to where he belonged. Not that he could honestly blame her. It had hurt him worse than he could have imagined, sending Roy away like he had. He'd watched Roy's face crumple, seen the pain lancing through his eyes before the anger had come, before the indignation and defiance had flared, and long before the resignation had written itself across his face. 

If he'd thought sending Roy away had hurt... this would be worse. Picking up the phone, he dialed the number, settling it against his ear as he got up and meandered the room, settling his gear where it would be easily accessible and in the right order for him to do this in the pitch black of the city. Even as the phone started to ring, he sent up a little thought of thanks toward Bruce for having provided every one of them who frequented this city with satellite phones, which was the only reason it was ringing through at all with everything down for this long. 

Roy's breathless voice came across the line, a whoosh of the half-jumbled words of a frantic parent. "Tell me she's there."

Jason settled back on the bed, leaning back on one hand, offering a quiet, "She is. Just got in and found her on my couch. She seems like she's okay, asleep though, so..." he trailed off, letting the lines be drawn from there.

"Thank God." Jason listened as Roy's keys jangled, as he rushed around, presumably preparing to come get her. 

Biting lightly at the inside of his lower lip, Jason debated what to say. "Roy, I-"

"Don't, Jay." There was a plea in Roy's voice, one that spoke of barely covered pain, of an agony that bit deeper than Jason had ever imagined it would. "I'll come get her and then I'll get back out of your life, okay?" That part was bitter, biting in a way Jason hadn't expected. 

Jason kept his silence for a moment before hunching forward, reaching to pinch the bridge of his nose against the slowly forming headache. "Let her stay. It's not gonna kill her to be away from home for a night. Kids... they run away for a reason." He swallowed, letting his hand drop to his lap, staring out the window into the darkness. "Maybe... we need to think about hers."

"I already kn-"

Jason huffed out a laugh that wasn't even remotely amused. "Please. We _both_ know why she's here. What I mean is maybe we need to _think_ about that before you show up, okay? Both of us."

"You... really don't mind her being there?" Resignation rang in his voice now, the tone aching in Jason's gut, clenching his heart in ways he'd forced himself not to feel in this past year away from him. 

"I never mind." Jason ghosted one hand through his hair, standing up as he took a shaky breath. "Just think about it, okay? I will... I _have_. Every night. Every time I-" he couldn't even finish it, the rawness of his ache far too deep for a phone conversation. He just shook his head. "I've never forgotten you, Roy... I _won't_." He hesitated and then, "Give me a few hours in the morning at least." He hung up without waiting on a reply or an argument, letting the phone slip back onto the nightstand.

Floorboards creaked and there was a soft rap of knuckles on his door. "Jay-Jay?" A hand on the knob, but it didn't turn. "Can I come in?"

Jason wiped a weary hand over his eyes and took a steadying breath. "Yeah." 

The door opened and Lian moved across the floor, socked feet shuffling over it. She was wearing the pajamas he'd sent her for her last birthday, the arms and legs too short now, the fabric worn to the point it made it obvious she'd been using nothing but these since he'd sent them. She hesitated next to him and he opened his arms, waiting as she stepped into his embrace and wrapped her arms tight around him, hands grasping the back of his tank top. 

They were quiet for the longest time, Lian finally whispering, "I missed you."

Jason almost choked on the emotions that welled up inside of him, on how bad his throat burned at the idea that he'd let her down so fully by removing himself from Roy's life the way he had. "I know, Princesa... I missed you, too." He smoothed his hands down her back and held her as she pressed her forehead against his shoulder. "I _had_ to do what I did. I just... I wish it hadn't needed to be that way."

Lian pushed back from him then, her fists clenched at her sides, the lines of her face hardening just enough he could see the change in the soft glow of the phone's clock. "You're both idiots. It _never_ had to be like this." Taking a step back, she shook her head, staring off at a point somewhere behind him in a way that reminded Jason of what Roy did when he was well and truly angry with the person in front of him, but he cared enough about them to not want to fully unleash on them. "Tell me the truth if I ask you something?"

Knowing exactly where this was going, Jason gave a small nod. "I will."

"Anything I ask?"

"Yes."

She took in a wavering little breath and then, "Do you love him?"

Jason wasn't sure his heart could have shattered faster, wasn't sure he could hold himself together in the face of the one thing he'd been denying himself from admitting for _years_. It had been love that had sent Roy away. Jason's love for him told him what had been the best course of action, and getting Lian's father damn near killed running around after him night after night, hadn't been it. Losing the man he loved to save him had ultimately been the only call he could have made, no matter how much it had hurt every single night since then. 

He let the silence draw out between them, let himself truly feel the pain of such a monumental loss for the first time since he'd pushed Roy away and even as his nose burned with the threat of overwhelming emotion, he spoke words he'd never dared to let himself before.

"I've been in love with him for years, Princesa. Even not seeing him one day this past year, it has not faded." He stood then, skirting around her, his hand lightly touching her shoulder before he exited the bedroom, headed for the kitchen where he moved to wash his hands, using the small basin of water beside the sink. He could feel her presence behind him more than hear it.

"They why did you push him away? Why did you _hurt_ him so bad?"

Jason picked up the dishtowel, drying his hands as he turned to face her, despite not being able to see her at all. "It was the only thing I _could_ do. I had to protect him and that was the only way I could be sure I would."

He heard her settle on one of the chairs and he turned and fished out the peanut butter and bread, finding a butter knife in the dark and then joined her, settling across from her as he laid out the makings and began to make them sandwiches by feel alone. 

When she finally spoke again, it wasn't what he expected. "He hasn't done well without you. He's... he doesn't think I know, but some nights he drinks until he falls asleep. I hear him in his sleep, all the nightmares... and they're all about losing _you_. Never like _this_ , but he talks... and every night... you die and he breaks."

Jason found her hand and placed a folded slice of bread in it, peanut butter safely ensconced inside of it. She took it and he could hear her taking a bite. "How much does he drink?"

"More every time." Her chair creaked as she shifted and Jason could tell she was leaning on the table now. "Never during the day, never around me. Don't think I'm running away from anything like _that_. He'd never hurt me, but he's in _pain_ , Jay-Jay." Her hand came to rest over his just as he folded his own sandwich in half, smaller fingers squeezing his own. "He'll deny it forever, but he used to talk about you all the time. When he'd write me, he'd tell me how happy you made him, how alive he felt with you, and how much he hoped that one day we'd all come back to the _same_ home." Her hand left his and he could hear her finishing her sandwich as he stared vacantly down towards the table, just taking it all in.

"He actually said that? You're not making it up?"

He didn't hear a single thing and then her arms were around him again, her chin on his shoulder. "I'd never hurt you that way. He's... not the only one hurt by you leaving us."

Jason sucked in a breath, the unpleasant burn of tears prickling at his noise again as he clenched his jaw. Giving in, he closed his eyes and let the first few spill over, abandoning his sandwich to turn and hug her tight, his cheek against her hair. "I'm sorry, Princesa. I never meant to. I was trying-"

"To do the right thing, I know." Lian gently disentangled herself from him and found his sandwich, taking his hand and placing it in it. "So now you do the right thing. When he comes to get me... tell him how you've always felt. Tell him what you were doing and tell him how much _you_ hurt because of it. And don't let him stop you until you're done, okay? Promise?"

Jason gave a little murmur of agreement as he heard Lian putting the lid back on the peanut butter. "Good. Now get some sleep. And... a shower."

Jason almost laughed, pushing himself up and skirting around her. "You sleep, too." He hesitated and then, "Promise?"

"Already beat you to it." She touched his arm as she skirted past, dumping the bread and peanut butter on the counter and ditching the knife in the sink. "When he comes to get me, I'm going to my friend's. She two floors down, eighty seven fifteen, okay?"

"Does-"

She laughed. "Father knows who she is. Tell him Emilia and he'll know." Her footsteps headed toward the living room. "Now shower, you stink."

This time Jason did breathe out a hint of a laugh. Sometimes, this kid just had a way about her. 

\------------------

True to her word, Lian had slipped out to go to her friend's place to give them time to talk, telling Roy she knew she was grounded and would not be _playing_ , but studying. She'd held up her math book and then left, Roy approving of her decision with a small nod.

Jason sat on one end of the couch, turned slightly so that he was facing Roy, the air of the room feeling heavier than he knew it should. Heavy with doubt and indecision, heavy with the weight of decisions he'd made that he regretted more than anything he'd ever done in his life, and heavy with things he might not be able to correct, but he was damn sure gonna try. 

Swallowing thickly, he let Lian's words wash over him, her insistence that he open up first and that he let it all spill out without letting Roy stop him until he was finished, and he knew he had to be honest. Openly, blatantly honest for once in his life. There was no amount of hiding that was going to help him here.

Taking a steadying breath, Jason quietly began. "Please don't stop me from saying what I have to. Just wait until I'm done and I'll do the same for you when I'm done." He waited for a moment and Roy gave him a tight bob of his head in response. 

He could see the lines of tension stretching Roy's shoulders, haunting his jaw and pulling his face deeper into shadows than the lack of light in the room already had. All of that ate at him, reminded him of the tales Lian had told of a man losing his better grip on the world for one that lost him inside its darkness, that tugged him down to the very pits of hell itself every single night.

"I sent you away with only a fraction of the truth," he studied his hands as he took another deep breath, held it for a moment, and then pushed it back out, and with it his words, "In all these years, I've only ever wanted what was best for you and Lian. I've never wanted to come between what the two of you could have - what you both deserve - and I saw myself doing that. You were on the road with me all the time, away from her, away from her important moments and away from even the day-to-day pieces of her childhood. All I could see was her imagining the day she'd see one of us show up at her door without you and I knew it would be me with your blood on my hands. _My_ fault Lian no longer had a dad. _My_ fault one of the only people in my life I've ever felt _this much_ for just vanished."

Jason eased his hand into his pocket, fished out his pack of smokes, retrieved one, but only eased it between his fingers, just settling with it as he rubbed absently at the filter, a remnant of something that had once taken away his pain, a distant memory of losing himself in them at the age of thirteen, of the steady burn that let him feel _alive_ when everything else left him feeling dead and empty inside. 

"It's not fair of me to tell you everything now, not after what I've already done... and I'd argue the point, but I've always been weak for whatever ideas Lian comes up with. Just know I'm not telling you any of this to hurt you. I've done that more than enough already." He stared absently at the fray in the knee of Roy's jeans, remembering a day when he would have jokingly tugged at it, when he would have sewn it back up for him without a second thought. Sadness flooded over him and he bowed his head, watching as he shifted the cigarette between his fingers. 

"I sent you away because I love you... because I couldn't stand the idea of losing you the same way I've lost everyone else. I just... after Bruce," his voice cracked and he almost didn't catch the start of the tears that wanted to come. Shaking his head, he breathed out, "You almost _died_ , Roy. I thought you had for a minute there and I... I _lost_ myself. I lied to you about why and I shouldn't have, but-" his breath locked up in his throat and he just shook his head, fingers grasping the cigarette and pulling it into his palm where he crushed it, holding on tighter than he meant to be, struggling to keep the flood gates closed on his emotions.

Roy was quiet for a long time, not moving an inch until one trembling hand came to rest on Jason's thigh. "I'm not blind. I know what my daughter sees and I know what she probably told you. But don't feel like you have to _lie_ to me to-"

Jason's head snapped up, the tears he'd been holding back glimmering in his eyes, his breath leaving him in a bitter little sound. An instant later, he had one hand on the back of Roy's neck, the other on his thigh, holding him in place as crushed their lips together. At first it was all hard edges and poorly concealed anger, all teeth and tongue and both of them scrambling to find some purchase to what they were doing. 

By the time they had to part just to breathe, Jason's scalp ached from the force of Roy's hand in his hair and he could taste the copper of blood where one of them had bitten too hard in their haste lingering in his mouth. The slightest whimper bubbled up in his throat and he leaned forward, letting his forehead touch Roy's own, closing his eyes, daring to whisper, "I love you, Roy Harper... I have for a very long time. There is no lie in these words and no matter what Lian has told me, it doesn't change how I feel."

Roy's hand gripped hard at his shoulder, the one in his hair releasing to glide down over his neck and then drop back down to his thigh. Their lips met again and this time it was tentative. Cautious within measure. This time they explored in ways they'd both been long denied, both exposed their emotions into the depths of the tender caress of their lips. 

When they parted, it was only for Roy's knuckles to lightly brush over Jason's cheek, for their eyes to meet and for Jason to finally see the light he'd been longing for back in Roy's eyes. "Then don't push me away. Don't turn me out or think you can make decisions for me like that ever again."

"I won't." Remorse ran thick in Jason's veins, pounding through him like the steady thrum of his pulse. "I can't." He lifted Roy's hand from his thigh, placed a gentle kiss on the inside of his wrist. 

Roy's fingertips came to a rest against Jason's chest and when Roy looked back up, Jason knew what it was to look perfection in the face. "I'm right here then." Those words, they could have been anything, but instead they were a declaration, a _promise_ , and Jason had never found peace so quickly as he did in that moment. 

He pressed Roy's palm to his cheek and then turned his head to let his lips caress the calloused skin, let his smile be felt more than seen as he closed his eyes. "Yeah... me, too." And that... was all that had ever mattered.


End file.
